Yesterday, another one of my friends got engaged.
Where did all these wedding bells come from?
It’s a real rude awakening when you realize that you’re at an age when everyone around you left and right is getting married. I know that if I lived in a sitcom, I’d probably be scripted to freak out about that. Lament at how old I am. Wonder if my boyfriend really loves me. Or whether I will ever get married. Or even jump several years ahead and think about whether my babies will have Down Syndrome because I’d be too old to have normal babies.
Well, I personally don’t really know how to feel about it.
Part of me is naturally jealous.
I admit it.
I mean, what girl would not want a guy to commit to her like that? What girl would not want a symbol of his undying love and devotion? Okay, just kidding…but honestly, as a believer in marriage, I like to think of the proposal as a promise to be there no matter what.
Now that I’ve grown up a bit, I do realize what a gift it is to have someone there for you. To have someone to come home to. To have someone to lay your head on, and ultimately just someone who cares about you so much.
Part of me is also in jaw-dropping shock.
I think, “We’re so young!” and “There’s still so much to be done!” and “Are you sure you’re ready?!?!”
It makes me wonder whether my reaction is just a sign that I also think of marriage as “the end” of something. I know, I know, it’s the beginning of something beautiful. Sure…
I’m more of a subscriber of the idea that Marriage is about commitment and protecting the people you love. I don’t really necessarily think it’s rainbows and butterflies. As Ben Affleck (yeah, I can’t believe I’m quoting the guy either) once said:
“Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful.”
And I think that’s what I’m jealous of, and what I’m afraid of.
It’s just the same thing, except you choose the person you want to be with and you make that leap of faith.
I don’t know how you find that faith. I’m scared mostly because it has to be a two-way leap, y’know? Kinda like catching each other. My mom once had this figurine of two angels clinging together. It had an inscription that said:
We are angels each with but one wing. We can only fly holding each other.
I think part of that faith is believing that the other person is there to hold you and catch you when you make that leap. I’m jealous of that. And I’m scared that it might not be there for everyone.
On the other hand, I think the fear is there because I’m not ready to take that leap.
Oxytocin. I think I need some more. And maybe then, I’ll see the rainbows and butterflies.