Darkness

I know this was supposed to be a happy moments blog.

But it’s been hard. Harder than the last few months. Boyfriend…well, we broke up, so he isn’t my boyfriend anymore.

I have never had my heart broken this much. I have never given so much of myself into a relationship only to come up empty-handed. Needless to say, I’m drowning in darkness and it’s been very, very hard to see the light. It’s like seeing everything through tunnel vision without my glasses.

So far, all I’m seeing is darkness, and the only things I see clearly are those that are right in front of me. And even that is still hard.

My friend, IC, has been coaxing me to have fun and to plan fun things to do. My roommate has been supportive and has tried to invite me to things that would take my mind off of the darkness closing in. I’m also thankful that she doesn’t push too hard and let’s me have the space to find my own way out.

I still can’t really say it out loud.

It doesn’t feel real. But the way I feel inside is pretty damn real.

The details of the break up are not mine to tell. I still love him very, very much. But we agreed that this decision to go our separate ways was the right thing to do. It was the rational and logical decision. Unfortunately, my heart is rejecting the idea.

Every time I have a second in my busy schedule, I suffer from SBT (sudden bursts of tears). I’ve had to pull the “I-have-severe-allergies” line a couple times. The thought of “us” being over is paralyzing: it’s hard to breathe, my stomach heaves, my throat has a lump and it’s an entire visceral reaction.

And thinking about the future is almost impossible. It was like a rug was pulled from right under my life and I just have to start over. It’s scary, it’s daunting, and it’s painful.

I think for me, the most painful part is to let go of everything. He wasn’t my first love. He was my first Great Love. I suppose on the other side of that coin is Great Despair. And in the end, I have to learn to pay the price.

One day, I will find my way out of this darkness. For now, there is a bit of comfort in not being able to see what the future holds. There is still a lot of pain in looking ahead and knowing he won’t be there.