Baby Steps

Baby steps.

I’m generally an impatient perfectionist–a combination not necessarily good for my nerves or for the people around me. In essence, I like to get things done right–the first time. It doesn’t always happen which leads me to be frustrated or be more challenged.

But when I face a problem, I usually tackle it full on.

I get annoyed that it’s eve a problem in the first place. Like, how dare you stand in my way you, stupid problem, you!

Unfortunately, healing my broken heart…doesn’t happen over night. I can’t just look it in the eye and growl my most ferocious growl at it and make it back down. I can’t just read a manual and patch up my heart the very next day.

Oh, God, I wish I could.

Today, I hurt myself more by making a small step backward. I realized then and there that it hurt us both when I don’t do anything to move forward. I love him so much it killed me to have made things harder.

I spent the rest of the day thinking of what I had to do to lift my chin up and start glancing at the future again. My head has been hanging low, so defeated, so lost, and so NOT me for the last few months now. I think the best thing I can do for both of us, and especially for myself, is to take those baby steps.

When you’re a baby, damn did that huge giganormous head feel heavy. Ever seen a baby try to lift his head? Yeah, that’s how I feel right now. But within a few months, the kid is rolling over and crawling and eventually making steps forward.

That’s what I wanna do.

I’ve been beaten, lost, reduced to my knees and shoved to the ground by my life lately. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore and say that I’m the person I always imagined I would be. When I look at the mirror, there are ghosts in my eyes. When I sleep at night, I wake up every few hours with tears in my eyes from dreams of my broken heart.

I’m tired of looking puffy. Of carrying this much sorrow in my heart. Of accepting this defeat by love. Of being unworthy of being loved again. Of being unable to love again. I am GOING TO GET UP, DAMMIT!

As much as I am cheering myself up right now, right this minute…it’s just the first step. Psyching myself up. I still feel like a fragile shell that shatters at the end of the day.

It’s been five days since the big Break Up…and I still cry in the car after a long day at work, just thanking God for the long commute so I can have my break-down time. It takes a lot of energy to smile at clients and be sympathetic to their broken relationships and their financial states. In this economy, everyone’s got something to cry about. Where I work, all I ever see are problems and people come to us for solutions or to defend them. At times it’s exhausting to have so many different personalities and problems thrown at me in 9 hours. So by the time I clock out and get to my car in the garage…I’m shaking and ready to shatter.

At school, there are so many people who push me to be happy, so eager to be the one to cheer me up, or to give me the advice or the wisdom, or to console me about how right the decision was…and I love my friends for doing that. But sometimes, I really am not ready and it only frays me more to pretend so hard to smile and laugh along with them. By the end of my last class at 8pm at night, I can only rush to my room and crash onto my bed in tears.

I need to change that.

Maybe not right away. It’s not like I’m just gonna stop grieving about the end of my first Great Love in five days. No…it’s about baby steps and paving the way. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself.

So…I’m planning events with friends.

I want to Just Dance again.

I want to some day do Martial Arts again.

And I want to try something new and challenging.

I signed up for a 5K…which for many people, isn’t really all that big of a deal. But for those who know me, they know how much I hate running. But this 5K…I’m doing it for me…and for the relationship I used to have with a man who used to love to run. I’m doing it to cherish the differences we used to have.

Plus, my friend JP said that I would have the most rockin’ toned body ever if I stuck with it.

And finally…I’m gonna learn to forgive myself. This will be one of the two hardest parts of moving forward. I have to learn to forgive myself for my part in the Break Up. I have to be able to say that I did my best and that I loved him with everything I had. I have to forgive myself for having hurt him so bad that he had walk away from what we had.

And I have to accept that it’s really over. This is part two of the Hardest Parts of the healing process. I have to. Have to. HAVE TO.

And still…

Baby steps. A little everyday. Baby. Steps.


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