One Huge Step Backward

Yesterday, I was trying to psych myself into moving forward and moving on from the Break-Up.

This morning, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning in tears.  I had another one of those dreams that have been haunting me.  He’s in it and it’s always just a kaleidescope of emotions until I wake up, gasping for breath, crying because my heart is breaking.  I have had these dreams sporadically before, whenever he and I had a big fight.  But ever since the Break Up, it’s been every night.

Yesterday, I had gone to sleep at a much better, more determined, state of mind.

And yet, I still woke up crying and reaching for his side of the bed.

Why doesn’t our psyche just ever let go?  I hate that he creeps into everything that I think and feel and do.

I fell back asleep at around 7 am and woke up to the sun shining so brightly that the rays managed to furiously break through the cracks in my blinds.  I smiled because sunshine does that to me.  And then I thought about Him…and then I cried.  And instead of seeing the sunshine, I only saw the shadows that it cast around me.

I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for my shower.  I cried because I used Head n Shoulders and He used to like the way it smells.  I heard Love Lockdown by Kanye and I wanted to knock his baby face down.  I chose an outfit and looked at myself in the mirror and remembered that I had bought this specific shirt because I knew he would love the way it showed off my neck and shoulders.

I fell to my knees on the floor in my bathroom suddenly realizing that getting over Him was going to take more than psyching myself out and motivating myself.

It was going to have to take replacing old memories with new ones.

I was going to have to really REALLY accept that it’s okay for me to make new memories and forget him.  I’m having the hardest time with this concept.  But it’s only because I’m stubborn…or maybe it’s because I’m just a masochist.

I have lots of beautiful friends and family who are here for me.  They are giving me avenues to drown my sorrows in lots of joys.  I have Law School to drive me insane with the sheer amount of reading that I have to do.  I could very easily bury myself in paper.  I also have work where I am constantly on the move and challenged that I don’t even have time to eat lunch most days.

I have so many things to distract me from the darkness.  But what happens when the darkness is inside?  How do I crawl out of that?  It has to start with me…and it comes right back to the underlying issue…

I’m just not ready…

2 Comments

  1. It’s funny how we can be so hard on ourselves and call expressing our grief as a step backward! I feel your pain … and I also know that this is part of the healing too. To be able to feel so much can help you move through this transition. Sounds like your unconscious knows this too and is working overtime when you are sleeping.
    You ARE moving forward. It isn’t about being strong and psyching yourself up. Be compassionate with yourself and take good care of YOU as you heal. Surround yourself with those who love you and allow yourself to feel without being hard on yourself.
    Healing has it’s own agenda and time frame.

    …. and remember remember this too shall pass. Val

  2. Iz, I was going to leave you a message on your fb because I haven’t seen u around school. Got your blog from fb.

    Food for thought: You don’t have to forget him in order to move on. You also don’t have to forget the old memories by replacing them with new memories. The Old memories are what made the Great Love what it is. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way you feel. It is still new. Just like a wound, at the beginning, it will hurt. And every time you tend to the wound, you will feel pain. Then when the bleeding stops and the wound scabs, it will still be there but it will hurt less. Give yourself time. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel the darkness you are feeling because he was such a Great Love.

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