Yesterday, I was trying to psych myself into moving forward and moving on from the Break-Up.
This morning, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning in tears. I had another one of those dreams that have been haunting me. He’s in it and it’s always just a kaleidescope of emotions until I wake up, gasping for breath, crying because my heart is breaking. I have had these dreams sporadically before, whenever he and I had a big fight. But ever since the Break Up, it’s been every night.
Yesterday, I had gone to sleep at a much better, more determined, state of mind.
And yet, I still woke up crying and reaching for his side of the bed.
Why doesn’t our psyche just ever let go? I hate that he creeps into everything that I think and feel and do.
I fell back asleep at around 7 am and woke up to the sun shining so brightly that the rays managed to furiously break through the cracks in my blinds. I smiled because sunshine does that to me. And then I thought about Him…and then I cried. And instead of seeing the sunshine, I only saw the shadows that it cast around me.
I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for my shower. I cried because I used Head n Shoulders and He used to like the way it smells. I heard Love Lockdown by Kanye and I wanted to knock his baby face down. I chose an outfit and looked at myself in the mirror and remembered that I had bought this specific shirt because I knew he would love the way it showed off my neck and shoulders.
I fell to my knees on the floor in my bathroom suddenly realizing that getting over Him was going to take more than psyching myself out and motivating myself.
It was going to have to take replacing old memories with new ones.
I was going to have to really REALLY accept that it’s okay for me to make new memories and forget him. I’m having the hardest time with this concept. But it’s only because I’m stubborn…or maybe it’s because I’m just a masochist.
I have lots of beautiful friends and family who are here for me. They are giving me avenues to drown my sorrows in lots of joys. I have Law School to drive me insane with the sheer amount of reading that I have to do. I could very easily bury myself in paper. I also have work where I am constantly on the move and challenged that I don’t even have time to eat lunch most days.
I have so many things to distract me from the darkness. But what happens when the darkness is inside? How do I crawl out of that? It has to start with me…and it comes right back to the underlying issue…
I’m just not ready…