John Mayer really captured it all.
No matter how great or determined or peaceful my thoughts about the Break Up are the night before, the moment I wake up in the morning, I just ache inside. It’s like the silence, the semi-darkness of dawn, and cold on his side of the bed are physical manifestations of the grief in my heart. The whole world feels empty and lonely in that moment, and it is almost impossible to will myself to get up and out of bed and start a day knowing he won’t be a part of it.
I actually had this thought in my head this morning:
I wish I could just die now and sleep forever…that way I wouldn’t have to wake up to this anymore.
It was a sad and sobering thought.
But I got out of bed and moved on with my day. The echo of grief and emptiness in my heart stays with me all day, but it gets quieter as the day goes by, until I am in a pretend-better state right before I go to bed.
And then, I’ll have to wake up again.
I know this will not last forever, but for now waking up to a day without him, is still the darkest part.