Archive for June, 2009

…I miss Him like crazy.

And I know it’s not good for me.  I must, must distract myself. Because He’s the wall that I just keep breaking myself against. Why can’t I stop?  Every time I come back bleeding, bruised and broken.  A little less able to look myself in the eye and be proud.  I can’t even say that I’m being loyal or valiant or whatever the hell I’m being.  I just don’t know.

All I know is…at this point, I’m supposed to be in a better place.  But somehow, I’m still not.  Where do I go from here?

Why am I still unwilling to let go?  Do I still really love him? Or am I just being too stubborn for my own good?  Do I just hate to lose?  Do I just hate to feel like I’ve failed at something?  Or do I really believe that I’ve lost The One?

I. Just. Don’t. Know.

And I’m so sick of it.

But I don’t know how to fix it.

Every time I feel like I’m almost there, when the pain has dulled, the pieces of everything are no longer sharp shards inside of me…every time I can make myself look away from your direction and start walking… I feel like I’m almost there.

“…can’t get to heaven, half off the ground…everybody knows…almost doesn’t count…”

The moment you look at me, smile at me, and hold my hand…I’m just as lost as I ever was.

And I just don’t know where to go from here.

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On the weekend of June 5th, @Sigh and I went Whitewater Rafting on Kings River.


My mind’s in the gutter right now and I can just throw out so many dirrty references about getting wet and going faster. But I won’t. Except for those parts that I did.  Thanks GolfmasterFlex/Stiff Shaft-er.

Now, back to how much clean fun goodness it was.

We woke up at 5:45 am, after a long night of restless pretend-sleep, too anxious to miss our rides.  We arrived at @Sigh’s office and met with her co-workers.  I was suprisingly pleased at how fun and down-to-earth her co-workers were.  Plus, they had donuts. Chocolate glaze is my friend.

Her firm also gave everyone beach towels that came in a variety of bright colors.  She happened to have gotten a pink one and a yellow one. It was PERFECT considering her favorite color is Pink, and mine is Yellow. It made me feel oh-so-mellow.

We drove up to King’s River, a good hour and a half or so ride.  @Sigh has all the fun pics of the drive up, but we saw: Feral Yorkies, Mad Cows on the road, and abandoned ramshackle structures that no one ever had the heart to take down aka future Insurance money structures.

Our Route

Our Route

We arrived at Zephyr Base Camp and was greeted by Skeeter.  I don’t even remember his real name anymore…because he personifies Skeeter.  He was this short, spry, sun-bleached-blond-haired, tanned, six-packed, weathered-faced river guide.  Sigh. Did I also mention that he was a 4th Grade teacher from Oakland? Yeah. I bet his class is the funnest class in the School District.  He gave us the whole “What to Do If You Fall Out”speech.  It was a long speech, but Skeeter was funny…and the information was kind of helpful. I still don’t think I’d really have the restraint to not try to stand in the water or not flail around or not grab the nearest thing to me…but y’know, it’s just good to know what I should be doing in case I’m actually levelheaded when I fall into raging rapids.

That speech was followed by a few minutes of people lining up for our wetsuits.  One great thing about Zephyr is that the wetsuits are part of the price.  If you have your own, great. If not, they’ll lend you one.  Apparently, other companies make you rent them for extra.  Unfortunately, @Sigh and I got little green XS wetsuits. WTF. We looked like little green women. We were the butt of ever Star Trek/Marvin the Martian joke out there.  To top it all off, they gave me a purple waterproof jacket. Not only was I a Martian, I was now also Barney. Perfect.

Oh Crap!

We rode a rickety old school bus up the narrowest dirt road overlooking the river. Yeah, it was as scary as it sounds.  Plus there was backing down this narrow dirt mountain road to let another bus pass! Now, that’s what I call driving skillz.

We finally arrived at the starting point and got our life vests.  Man, those things, when put on right, are like corsets.  We got on our raft and met our river guide, Jordan.  He was not as striking as Skeeter, more like a brunette Bon Jovi nature/river guide, but he was experienced and fun.  He guided us over and through some really, really fun rapids.

We floated, paddled and splashed through rapids up to level 3.

It’s just a ton of fun. But the weather was pretty terrible for white-water rafting. Who would have thought that by June in Fresno, it would still be in the 60’s?  I was shivering and teeth-chattering by the last leg of the ride.

When we got back to BaseCamp, the folks there, i.e. the river guides, made our lunch.  It was an awesome lunch.  Turkey slices, roast beef slices, bread, tortilla, fresh black bean salad, fresh fruits, some guac, and it was all gravy from there.  We went lunch-commando, no plates or utensils.  I’m Filipino, so I’m used to eating food with my hands. In fact, I think it makes food taste better.  *Griiins*

After lunch, it started drizzling seriously.  So, there wasn’t much else to do around Base Camp but go home.  We did check out our pictures taken by the professional kayaker-photographer that they had.  They were great pics, and will be posted as soon as I get them.

The ride home was somewhat uneventful…at least for me.  I was dozing in and out of sleep.  @Sigh was valiant, and only dozed off for about two minutes.  But for the most part, everyone had that air of tired contentedness.

It was a fabulous time. @Sigh and I really want to go again. But it’s an expensive hobby (approximately $170 per person at peak season), so maybe…next summer?

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I need to start blogging again.
But time escapes me.
Or maybe…more honestly…I’m running away again. I’m burying myself in BUSY-ness. I don’t want to think…don’t want to put into words every fear and hope that floats inside of me…

But I did have a strange dream last night.

I had a rooster-dog…yep.  It had the head of a rooster, the body of a dog, and FOUR rooster feet.  It kept following me around wanting to be petted.  If I didn’t, it would peck me.  WTF.  What did I eat last night.  In that dream, my brother says to me in supreme annoyance, “Why couldn’t you get one with the head of a dog so it’s easier to pet?”

Oh, I don’t know. Why couldn’t I?

And then later in the same strange dream, there is a break-out of animals and a lamb is attempting to escape.  In this dream, the lamb is not a gangly galloping little creature…it’s more like a beanie baby attempting to crawl along the floor.  My mother tells me, “Pick that one up and put it back in its cage.”  So, I did.  It’s as floppy and soft as a beanie baby.  I place it inside this little cage and it bleats, looking at me so woefully, “Baaahh…” in a small, little lamb voice.  I say, “Awwww….” and the beanie baby looks at me and says, “But it’s my birthday.”


At that point I figure it’s time to wake up.

But interlaced in the dream, somewhere in the kaleidescope of weird, there’s a moment where I’m with HIM.  We’re sitting together, and I looked at him, then said: “I don’t want you anymore. Go away.”  HE looks completely torn, heartbroken, and he leaves.

I felt panic.  I’ve sent HIM away?!?!?!

The dream, after that scene, is edged with a sense of panic.

I wake up after the sheep has bleat-talked to me and I shoot up out of bed.  And feel relief.  I haven’t sent him away after all.  It was just a dream…rooster-dog & beanie bag talking sheep and all.

It was just a dream.

And I’m bittersweet today because I’m relieved it was just a dream.

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