I Just Don’t Know

…I miss Him like crazy.

And I know it’s not good for me.  I must, must distract myself. Because He’s the wall that I just keep breaking myself against. Why can’t I stop?  Every time I come back bleeding, bruised and broken.  A little less able to look myself in the eye and be proud.  I can’t even say that I’m being loyal or valiant or whatever the hell I’m being.  I just don’t know.

All I know is…at this point, I’m supposed to be in a better place.  But somehow, I’m still not.  Where do I go from here?

Why am I still unwilling to let go?  Do I still really love him? Or am I just being too stubborn for my own good?  Do I just hate to lose?  Do I just hate to feel like I’ve failed at something?  Or do I really believe that I’ve lost The One?

I. Just. Don’t. Know.

And I’m so sick of it.

But I don’t know how to fix it.

Every time I feel like I’m almost there, when the pain has dulled, the pieces of everything are no longer sharp shards inside of me…every time I can make myself look away from your direction and start walking… I feel like I’m almost there.

“…can’t get to heaven, half off the ground…everybody knows…almost doesn’t count…”

The moment you look at me, smile at me, and hold my hand…I’m just as lost as I ever was.

And I just don’t know where to go from here.

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