I don’t really know the power of “Sorry.”
I was watching the Season Finale of Celebrity Fit Club (yeah, don’t judge), and Kevin Federline apologizes to Shar Jackson. He finally says sorry. And she proclaims that it meant “the world” to her.
I’m sorry…but No.
I’ve been at both ends of that word.
At one end, it is everything. At the other end, it is absolutely nothing.
When you’re the one who’s sorry, it can mean everything to you. It means that you’ve accepted that you’ve done something wrong. It means that you’re ready to move on, to grow up. It means that you’ve lowered your pride and admitted fault. It means that you’ve reached a certain degree of self-realization, self-acceptance such that you can look at the bigger picture of your life and say I did something that wasn’t good–that hurt someone else.
And you are SORRY. You will change. You will grow up, learn and be a better person.
But when you’re at the other end of sorry…well, it doesn’t really change the fact that you were hurt. It doesn’t turn back time and it sure as hell doesn’t erase all the pain and scars that were left behind. Sorry just means you get left behind. It means the other guy knows he has done something wrong…and can move on from that. It doesn’t mean that you get to be all better, too.
It’s not fair, almost. When the other person says sorry for hurting you…does it mean you can’t be angry with them anymore? Does it mean you have to forgive? Does it mean you aren’t supposed to feel the pain anymore?
It just doesn’t work that way.
I think the flipside to being told the s-word is forgiveness. I’m sure it’s got the same effect as being the one who says the S-word. And maybe, right now…I’m just not ready to forgive.
So when you’re sorry, I’m glad you figured it out and feel that way and can move on. But I’m not ready to not be angry because I still hurt. I’m not ready to forgive because I still can’t wrap my head and heart around it. I do hate feeling this way and I am working towards it.
But for now, unlike Shar, your ‘sorry’ doesn’t mean the world to me.