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Archive for April 27th, 2010

I am struck with the realization that I am in a better place. I am … happy.

I had dinner with Coopaloop and we talked about the randomest things like we always do and we shared our secrets. You know those things that you wish you could tell someone and not be ashamed to even have those thoughts and feelings much less say them out loud? Yeah those, we talk about those kinds of secrets. 

At one point, he looks at me point blank and says (something along the lines of), “I’m so tired of this sad shit, be a happy panda already, will you?”

I automatically reply, “I am, you idiot.”

And what do you know, he might have cured me.

It’s not that my life is perfect. There are a lot of things that really, really are far from perfect. But you know what? Life goes on. I can sit here and keep my heart shut and have all these hurts and fears build up until it bursts like a dam, and I would definitely need some serious damage control then. Or I can open it and let it all out slowly and surely. Let it out so there’s space for some light and good and hope.  I can pout and complain and cry about how unfair life is and how I will never have the right opportunities, but then that’s all I would ever do. Pout. Complain. Cry. And in the end, those things can be really exhausting. They just drain all the joy out of everything such that I’m just a bitter pouter. Not cute. So I could accept the way things are, look at the things I can change and the things I can’t…and choose to make a change for the better.

Life will keep moving forward, whether I’m ready or not, whether I want it to or not, and most of all whether I can handle it or not. When my little boat of safety capsized, I struggled. I wanted to stop the current and push my little boat back to where I was before it tipped over. Maybe I could have changed something. Maybe I could have been better.  But that’s just damn near impossible. When I stopped panicking and being afraid I could never fix things, I realized that the best bet was to just go along with the current, keep my head above the water, my feet forward and watch for obstacles and navigate around them.  I mean, before I kenw it, I found several spots of peaceful waters. I found calm again.

Who knew that I’d have fun along the way?

Who knew I’d be smiling and saying, “I am, you idiot.”

I now know that it is possible to get back into the boat and gain control of my life again. But I know this won’t be the last time I fall over. But it’s okay. Cuz…I get it now.

I really do.

Despite the lame river analogy. Ha. It just came out. *shrug*

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