I never really make New Year’s resolutions, but I figure that there are definitely some things in my life that I am sorely dissatisfied with, and maybe putting them into words and into a space where someone may hold me accountable would help. So here goes…
1. Talk to People…erm, Communicate
This is really best explained by highlighting the difference between talking to someone on the phone and texting them. I tend to prefer the latter because I’m always, always doing something else and I just find it easier not to be bothered with giving someone my full attention. I know, it’s TERRIBLE. I would get a phone call and I would reply with a text. I could probably call someone but would probably gchat them before I do that. I’d rather write an email than talk on the phone.
When, really think about it…talking on the phone is probably far more efficient than texting and waiting for the lag time in between texts of “yeses and nos”. An email can take forever to write when you can just tell the person on the phone what you wanted to say. I always think I am more awkward over the phone than in text or in person.
In fact, I like personal contact and talking in person at a coffee shop and over dinner or drinks. But the idea of having the same conversation over the phone…it just doesn’t…well, I don’t know. I hate it. I’d sooner have the same conversation over text or gmail. I had always equated time on the phone as time wasted. It’s giving your full attention to someone who isn’t even physically there. I’d rather be doing something else.
But there are perks to phone calls than texts. It’s far more personal, for one. And if actual human face-to-face contact is not possible, then it’s the next best personal thing. You at least hear the other person’s voice. You lend some personality to the conversation that may not otherwise be conveyed with acronyms and smiley faces.
In the last year, I’ve let many relationships slip through my fingers because I simply was not willing to take the time to pick up my phone. Sometimes a text just doesn’t seem personal enough. It’s not good enough.
So this year, I resolve to answer the phone and to actually make phone calls. Of course, I’ll be talking to people after 7pm and on weekends only, *cough… non-peak hours y’know? My brother pays for my phone bill, so we don’t really want him to be murdering me over a New Year’s resolution, right?
In conjunction with the phone thing, I also have a problem with replying.
Voicemails. Text messages. E-mails. Actual letters. E-vites, Facebook messages, wall posts, story reviews and comments, EVERYTHING.
What is WRONG with me?
I always think along the lines of, “Oh, I’ll get back to that when I’m not doing anything,” but really when does that ever happen? There’s no such thing as “not doing anything” so the time never really comes that I just sit down and reply. I mean, I’m sitting here writing this blog entry, I should have the time to reply to those messages or talk to someone on the phone right?
I think it’s just a matter of making the effort. I’ve become lazy this past year about reaching out and keeping in touch. I got so used to having all my best friends within one or two zip codes from me that it was just easier to text someone “meet me downstairs in 5” while finishing up my law school work than to call someone and risk being pulled into a conversation that “stole” my time. But time from what?
Studying? Reading? Watching TV? Blogging? REALLY?
In the end, it’s really just about taking the time. If I can take the 30 minutes to type this up, I can take the 10 minutes to reply to an email or write a letter back. I can take the 5 seconds to reply to a text message or listen to voicemails (yes, I’m so bad sometimes that I leave VM’s in my inbox for days without listening to what the message is–unless it’s from my boss or my mother.) And the only reason I even reply to anything remotely within the region of “prompt” is because of the threat of being fired or yelled at. Otherwise, I don’t seem to care.
So 2011 is the year for me to care to get back to you. Yes, all of you.
*smiles sheepishly* Sorry?
3. Have Faith and Let Myself Fall
Last year, I had a break through about my ability to be affectionate about someone new in my life. That didn’t work out, but the relationship reminded me how fabulous it is to be part of a unit of two. Last year, I was reminded about what it felt to have butterflies in my stomach again. I was reminded of how perfect kisses felt like and that light-headed, floaty feeling you get when you’re walking down the gorgeous streets of San Francisco holding hands. Then, later I remembered what it was like to become emotionally involved. It might have taken a long time and several tries, but I got there. I felt something again.
But then, as (may or may not become subject to another blog entry), I found out the hard way that despite allowing myself to feel something for someone doesn’t necessarily mean I was ready to hand him my heart and have faith that he would be there to catch me when I fall.
I mean, there’s a lot more to the story, but the bottom line is, as I look back in the past year, the pattern has been me leaving because I couldn’t stand to take the next step. That next step always involved trusting the other person to love me. Okay, maybe not love me, but at least to let them try. I left someone when all he wanted to do was take care of me. I left another because he adored me. This time, I left simply because I couldn’t take the risk. Simply couldn’t.
Eon once commented about how I found something wrong with everyone: he’s too tall, he dances funny, he’s not tall enough, he’s too dreamy, his arms are too short (like, really?) until I finally found someone who had been my McDreamGuy and I ran out of excuses. The real reason was that I just didn’t know how to let him in.
I didn’t have faith. I had doubts. I was afraid.
So, this year, the goal is to find the strength and courage to really love. There’s that saying, “When you love someone, you let them take care of you.” — I want to let that happen.
4. Run at Least Once A Week
This one is pretty self-explanatory, no?
Although, my first week of 2011 has been a sick one. Literally. I’ve been coughing for the last three weeks, so after this post, I’m gonna go and try for a half-mile run and see if my lungs hold up. Wish me luck.
5. Read Books
I really thought that once law school was over, I’d get right back into reading. Nope. I tried. I have The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, I have The Lost Symbol, I have two Jodi Picoult books, I even bought Casino Royale. None of them took. I downloaded a bunch of my favorite classics like Little Women and Pride and Prejudice as well as classics I’ve always wanted to read. I even have a nifty new iPad. Still not enough to keep my attention. I even borrowed a book from the public library from a romance novelist and I couldn’t even get into that. I cracked open Book 5 of the Harry Potter series exactly where I had left off before law school started…and I couldn’t sit there and just read.
I’m afraid law school destroyed my love for reading because all I ever did was read. Reading became a reason I couldn’t go out and have fun. How stupid does, “I can’t, I have to read,” sound? Yeah.
But I really want to enjoy books again, so this year, I’m going to try and read a novel at least every month. Hopefully, it takes.
6. Keep My Desk Clear
I tend to dump a bunch of mail and bills and receipts and stuff all over my desk such that (1) I can never find anything, and (2) I never really use it. So this year, I’m keeping it clear, clean and functional. This will also help me be more organized with the mail, bills and receipts.
7. Make My Bed
I hate making my bed. Even at the ripe old age that I am now, I hate doing it. Why make it all nice and pretty when I’m just gonna mess it up again every damned night anyway? I do admit, I like the way my room looks with a made bed. Plus, it prevents me from taking a useless nap in the afternoon because I don’t want to mess up the bed. It also generally forces me to keep the rest of the room less disorganized.
That’s why this is on my list.
8. Be an Adult and Eat Vegetables
I used to have this metabolism that allowed me to eat whatever, whenever and as often as I wanted. Now, not so much.
Now, I have to make sure that I have a balanced diet if I want to be healthy when I’m older. I’ve always hated vegetables. It’s a running joke among friends that anything green on my plate is the last thing that I’d eat, if it gets eaten at all. A friend once apologized for putting lettuce in my sandwich.
But I’ve learned to enjoy some vegetables, but I still very rarely incorporate them into any of my meals. So I resolve to add more greens to my diet because I could sure use it.
And this concludes my 2011 New Year’s Resolutions.