My job is boring me to death.
Okay, granted my job isn’t exactly boring per se because I get to go somewhere new and basically just talk to people all day. It’s not the kind of job that requires any kind of genius from me.
On the other hand, it doesn’t require any kind of genius from me.
At first, I was relieved to work somewhere where I couldn’t screw up anyone’s life. After working at the courts and at a law firm, it never failed to appall me that people were putting their lives, livelihoods, futures, and general welfare in my hands. In my absolutely-clueless-this-is-gonna-cost-you-about-a-million-bucks hands.
I was stressed out, yes.
I was on edge, yes.
I was often aggravated, absolutely.
I was frustrated to tears, no doubt.
But at least, it made what I was doing matter.
And maybe that’s what I need. I am absolutely unmotivated with work right now. As absolutely awesome as my company is, I feel like the mere minion that my boss lovingly nicknamed me. I want to be a minion that matters, dammit!
I mean, right now, I ought to really be looking at all our sales reports and drafting/suggesting marketing strategies and even putting together product enhancements. But I cannot bear to download the files. The most that I could make myself do was put a “star” on the email to remind me to do this. Eventually.
I just can’t care.
I need to get out before I settle for this. I know. Come May 13…I will…uh…
Sigh, it’s the same reason as before. If I pass the bar, then maybe I can get my life together. But if I don’t. I might just shoot myself. In the foot. Or something. I don’t know.
I just know that I need more.
This is a good thing, right? I always thought I didn’t want to be a lawyer because I didn’t want to be responsible for destroying someone’s life. I mean, I still don’t. But I’d wanna be responsible for preventing the destruction of someone’s life. Which, I now realize has always been the flip-side of that fear. So, I’d rather be afraid/frustrated/be on tenterhooks/and matter than be carefree and bored and meaningless.
Now that I know what I want…I guess I need to figure out how to get there. But it’s a start.