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Archive for the ‘feely’ Category

There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else; they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

— Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself To Live

The score as it is now is pretty even. Some days, I feel like he still wins and that I’ll always compare everyone with him. But most days, I figure I’m happy. I have amazing friends, I find a reason to laugh and something to love every day.

And I’m convinced that someone someday will sweep me off my feet that I won’t even know what hit me. I won’t even have the moment to compare. I can only fall, fall, fall in love.

It’s not happened yet. So for now, I’ll concede that we’re even.

But be warned: I’m in this life to win.

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Dear Jason,

When I found out about your death, I cried.  I know…it seems kind of weird, right? The last time we saw each other was more than six years ago. But then again, you were one of those people who kind of helped me to become the person I am now. You’re not the kind of person someone just forgets.

You were one of those kids, y’know, with that special light inside. You kind of struggled in life. I saw that, even as kids. When we had those peer counseling sessions, you were tough on the outside, but definitely one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. I remember a few times when you used to help me get over what was bugging me. You always gave and you never really expected much in return.

You once told me, “Just be brave,” like it was the easiest thing in the world. I was crying after a Peer Counseling session about how hard it was to transition from the Philippines to the U.S., how everyone was so mean.  You were balancing on your skateboard, absent-mindedly doing tricks, while I sat on the curb. You kind of always had your way of seeing things that was kind of simple, but saw right to the heart of the matter. And you never felt sorry for me or made me feel like I should be someone I wasn’t. I will always appreciate that.

In fact, I kind of always had a crush on you because of that. And the fact that you were half-Filipino.

I don’t know what had happened in your life in the last few years, but I do know you were still fighting the good fight. Looking for love. Trying to shine through the hardships.

It makes me so sad to find out that your light has gone out. The world is short one amazing, talented and kind person.

Rest in Peace, Jase.

Jason Joiner, 27, was gunned down at 12:35 a.m. Sunday March 28, 2010. He was shot while in his car at an interesection in Stockton, CA. The Police has declared that he was not targeted specifically. Several other cars on the street were also hit by gunfire.

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Tonight, I cried for you when I thought I was done.

I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the title of the movie, “Down with Love” being on tv. I just felt like, YEAH, DOWN WITH LOVE! And I felt all that bitterness welling in me, followed by a wave of overwhelming sadness that just crashed into me. Suddenly, I collapsed onto the bed and cried. I cried for all the loneliness, the hopelessness, and brokenness I have been feeling for so long. I cried for all the times that I’ve tried so hard to get over this. And finally, I cried because I know…I still do.

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Whoa, I suddenly feel really old.

Found out 2 of my exes are married. One of them has a daughter. Another ex-boyfriend has a son now, too.

Did I dodge bullets or miss the train?

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Soul Hurt

“When I say I love you, it’s not because I want your or I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity, exactly what you are.  Thank you for everything that you have taught me and been to me. You truly are an exceptional being.”

“I feel like our love for one another runs deep and will always be there and we will be able to find our way home.”

I don’t know what to believe in. I don’t know how to feel. Sometimes I know deep down to my very bones that I am at peace with everything. And other times, it still hurts all the way to my soul.

In the simple words of Neil Gaiman, “I hate love.”

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My brother turned to me and whispered, “I wonder how I would be different if he had been alive.”

We looked down in silence, our thoughts heavy. Memories flooding. My brother runs his hand through his hair in frustration. “I don’t remember a lot anymore,” he admits.  I could only nod. Every year, memories fade. Sometimes, I don’t know what’s real anymore.

Dad

 His death changed the course of our lives so drastically, it would be an understatement to say that we would have simply been different.

  • my family moved to an entirely new country
  • my brothers and I learned family secrets so deep and shocking it changed our very identities
  • religion was redefined and faith lost
  • i even changed my name

In a couple of years, I would have lived a larger part of my life without a father. I wish I knew how having a father defines someone. Maybe then, I could figure out who I could have been.

I can only imagine the life I would have had. My father would have made it to General, maybe gotten a couple of stars. He had been a Colonel when he’d died. I’m pretty sure my brothers and I would have gone all over the world scuba diving, rock climbing, and survival training.  My father had a somewhat reckless spirit of adventure.  I probably inherited a small measure of it, except for the part where he loved jumping out of planes. My brothers would have joined the military and the air force. I would have married some nice Chinese or mestizo boy from a nice family. Haha. My boyfriends would have been terrified of him. He used to wear a gun on his hip all the time. I would probably have amazing posture, too. My dad always sat, stood and walked with a ramrod spine. He used to always pull back my shoulders whenever he passed by me hunched over a book. We would still be black belts. My father was my first martial arts teacher. I think we would have still grown up well.

I looked over at my brother, “It doesn’t matter now.”

Because we are who we are now, and I think we are good people. At least I think I have awesome brothers, anyway.

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When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us; that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go.

Please, let go.

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Sometimes when I’m in the mountains, all I remember is the way the sun would shine just behind your head as I looked up at you.  All I remember is the way you would smile back down at me, filtered in sunshine, boyish and free.

It’s one of the reasons why I love the mountains. It was ours. It was golden.

In the elevator, someone left the scent of your cologne. It wasn’t you…well, because it wasn’t you. But there was enough memory there so that I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocated in those four walls with memories of you.

And I remembered the way you breathed my soul into you.

I remembered the way you stole every breath in me, every beat of my heart. I belonged to you. Body and soul.

There are many days when I’m sure that I have all of who I am back to myself. But there are nights when I miss feeling alive, because you see every breath and every beat of my heart was still with you.

I miss the way you needed me. I miss the way you held me like your lifeline, the way your breathed me into you, the way you lived my soul, the way you burned.

I’m looking for that spark you took, my soul you stole, my breath you caught. 

I miss feeling alive.

And the only thing I can keep telling myself is to … Just Breathe. Someday, it will be easier.

 

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