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Archive for the ‘Quotable Peepsizzles’ Category

Let her be enough.

Let her be your Everything.

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Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. ~Charles M. Schulz

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Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back,

And never moving forward so there would never be a past…

Easier to Run, Linkin Park-

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On Sunday, my mom woke me up extra bright and early at 7 am.

I squinted as she opened the blinds, wth? It’s still too early for church.  I shaded my eyes and sort of focused on the being awake part of things and realized that my mom was talking a mile a minute.

But what really jolted me awake was this part of her long, long speech:

“…his name is Beau, and I think you’d really like him.”

*blink, blink, blink*

Say what???

Did my mom–no, scratch that–did my Asian Mom who has always discouraged dating of any sort really just try to set me up?

I had to clarify.

“Who?”

“He’s in the Marines. He’s a very good guy.”

That didn’t really answer my question, only reinforced the whole “encouragement to date” thing. I felt like I was slipping into a weird parallel universe where my mom didn’t criticize my dates or tell me at every opportunity about how I should focus on everything else but the guy in my life.

“Wait, what?”

“He’s my friend’s son. You’re coming with me today. Meet him, talk to him, keep him company.”

And wow. I felt like I was being officially Matched. It felt almost like an out-of-body experience…like watching a sitcom starring me and my mom, but knowing in the back of my head that this couldn’t be my life cuz it was just too darn…well, impossible.

I had grown up fighting with my mom over boys, guys, men, boyfriends, guy best friends, and in whatever form the male of the species came in. I mean, this random break-of-dawn conversation came at the heels of another weird mom conversation.

Me: …so yeah, he was really handsome and he smelled really good, too!

Mom: Handsome and smells good, that sounds dangerously close to being gay. Are you sure he wasn’t gay?

Me: uh…

Mom: (without missing a beat)…because if he was gay, I’m completely okay with you having a gay boyfriend.

That conversation, as strange as it was, is more in-line with what my mom thinks about me and dating in general.  On the other hand, I did go and meet this Marine. He was everything my mom said he was. Except that I couldn’t exactly “date” him with both of our moms watching in the sidelines.

So, I told my mom that he seemed like a really nice guy. Period. Nothing more.  She gave me a look, put her hands on her hips and said, “At least be friends with him.”

Sure.

Maybe not.

Even though he was kind of cute. He was very courteous. Great manners. Amazing arms. He was a Marine. And my mom already liked him per se. But still.

It’s just too weird, no?

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To be heard.  To be understood.  To be loved even when she may not have it all figured out or together in the moment.  That is what creates the love that no man can come between and will give you a lifetime of happiness. Remember, listening is her air.

(from dad-isms)

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…again.

In yet another coffee shop, in another city, while still studying for the Bar, I get another random stranger offer me his phone number.

And yes, this guy’s older, too. Another Sugar-Daddy on the prowl. This time, he writes plays and composes music. He says he works in the industry. *coughs* He told me to “go ahead, you can Google me.”

I smiled and said, “Maybe later tonight. I actually don’t get the wireless signal here.” –> which was true…and the reason why I sometimes go to that cafe. It prevents me from hopping online in search of a worthy distraction.

He invited me to a jazz concert. I politely declined, telling him about how busy I was studying for the bar.

“I’m really good at what I do,” he says.

I smile. “I’m sure you are.” I said with grave platitude.

He grins. “You can tell I’m a little cocky, can’t you.”

I give him another bland look and shrug. “Let’s just call it confidence for now.”

He bursts out laughing and declares that he likes me.

After a good thirty minutes of talking to me from the other table, I get a text from a good friend, JJC, to go work out. I was slightly upset that those thirty minutes were robbed from my study schedule, but…this guy was kind of entertaining.

But nonetheless, those are thirty minutes of non-law-school-learning.  When he saw me packing up, he strolled over and took one of my notecards. (No, not a post-it note this time). “Here, darling, let me give you my number. You should really call me.”

I smile and nod. “It was nice meeting you.” I leave quickly, wondering the whole time why I can’t just allow myself to be Sugar Daddied.

It would certainly please the wallet so.

Oh well. Here’s another number to add to the stack of “iunno what to do with you.”

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When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible.
-Jonathan Safran Foer

I wonder if there really are people out there that come into your life and throw everything into complete disarray…and yet you accept the disarray because, well…because it made sense.  Maybe part of it is because you allowed everything to happen the way it did. You turned a blind eye, told yourself you’d deal with the consequences later on, or worse–you believed that it was okay that things were bad because it was just how they were. It was the only way to make that person a possibility in your life.

How does someone like that make sense?

Maybe if only to show us that it doesn’t.

A person’s life can’t all be made up of good things. It’s part of the theory of relativity. Each person is tested by their own fire. Each person has their own demons. Each one has that one person that only exists to remind them of how things can be so good…and how things can be so bad. Each one has their polarizing person. Or two. Or three. Who knows? Maybe as many as it takes to learn your lesson.

Maybe it stays painful for as long as it takes to learn what’s good for you.

You’ll keep seeing this person, keep feeling this person because…well, it just makes sense and still does.

I don’t get it, and I can’t possibly explain how I feel. Except that…the quote above reminded me of you. And maybe who you’re supposed to be in my life.

It makes sense, doesn’t it?

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While hiking through Yosemite National Park we pass by this hollowed out tree. I wondered out loud what could have done this to a tree. My youngest brother, graduate of Stanford Engineering, Physics and Material Sciences immediately pipes in, “Lighting.”

But of course, because he is so full of random information, he just has to continue. For the next ten minutes, we stand in front of this true as he explains how the intense heat and energy of a lightning strike causes the sap in trees to expand so much that it literally splits from the inside out and becomes hollowed.

I never knew that.

Now I know.

I’ve also learned about catastrophic failures when things break, and different kinds of glass cracks. Way to go for having a walking encyclopedia like my brother.

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There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else; they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

— Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself To Live

The score as it is now is pretty even. Some days, I feel like he still wins and that I’ll always compare everyone with him. But most days, I figure I’m happy. I have amazing friends, I find a reason to laugh and something to love every day.

And I’m convinced that someone someday will sweep me off my feet that I won’t even know what hit me. I won’t even have the moment to compare. I can only fall, fall, fall in love.

It’s not happened yet. So for now, I’ll concede that we’re even.

But be warned: I’m in this life to win.

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Dear Jason,

When I found out about your death, I cried.  I know…it seems kind of weird, right? The last time we saw each other was more than six years ago. But then again, you were one of those people who kind of helped me to become the person I am now. You’re not the kind of person someone just forgets.

You were one of those kids, y’know, with that special light inside. You kind of struggled in life. I saw that, even as kids. When we had those peer counseling sessions, you were tough on the outside, but definitely one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. I remember a few times when you used to help me get over what was bugging me. You always gave and you never really expected much in return.

You once told me, “Just be brave,” like it was the easiest thing in the world. I was crying after a Peer Counseling session about how hard it was to transition from the Philippines to the U.S., how everyone was so mean.  You were balancing on your skateboard, absent-mindedly doing tricks, while I sat on the curb. You kind of always had your way of seeing things that was kind of simple, but saw right to the heart of the matter. And you never felt sorry for me or made me feel like I should be someone I wasn’t. I will always appreciate that.

In fact, I kind of always had a crush on you because of that. And the fact that you were half-Filipino.

I don’t know what had happened in your life in the last few years, but I do know you were still fighting the good fight. Looking for love. Trying to shine through the hardships.

It makes me so sad to find out that your light has gone out. The world is short one amazing, talented and kind person.

Rest in Peace, Jase.

Jason Joiner, 27, was gunned down at 12:35 a.m. Sunday March 28, 2010. He was shot while in his car at an interesection in Stockton, CA. The Police has declared that he was not targeted specifically. Several other cars on the street were also hit by gunfire.

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