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Posts Tagged ‘bar prep’

I feel like the last couple of months my life has been on pause. I haven’t made any significant decisions, made any real plans, or made any real steps forward that I can really substantiate. This whole studying for the bar thing…I can’t wait for it to be over so I can start living again.

I can’t wait to invest my time and effort into something other than studying. I’m so over it.

But at the same time, I’m so NOT over it, because part of me wishes I just had a little bit more time to get more rules down. But like I’ve said before, time is an equalizer. Everybody gets the same amount; what we do with it is up to us.

But I think I feel this antsy because I know I’m leaving. Just a little over a week after taking the bar, I’ll be out of the LALA Land and back in the Yay. I don’t know if I’m ready. I feel like I should have invested more time in the people and the relationships I have here. I should have developed some a little bit more instead of pushing it back “till after the bar.” I feel like I should have shown my appreciation of others more instead of setting them aside “till after the bar.”  It’s paralyzing.

I want to be able to tell everyone that has meant so much to me here that I do care. Instead, I find myself skipping out on lunches and dinners, drinks and movies. Saying “next time” or “not now” or “please, just understand.”

I wish I had the power to do things differently. I really do.

But for now, I’m on Pause.

I can’t wait to Press Play.

…and by Play, I mean I’m busting out of the City of Angels and diving straight into Sin City!!!

HELL YEAH!!!

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Last Tuesday, I had my first-honest-to-goodness Bar-prep breakdown.

I was working on three essays, working on keeping everything under three hours. On the third hour, I realized the essay was on Torts. I had worked on Torts in the first week of bar prep. I was able to spot all the issues, but for the life of me, I just couldn’t get anything coherent onto paper.

I burst into tears.

Yeeeeaahhh.

I thought about how I could have possibly spent so much time on torts and not have remembered anything. I was probably being melodramatic at one point and going, “Why, God, whyyyy???” Then I wallowed in the piteous thought of how I would wake up everyday only to start the day over. My eyes would open and I’d think, “Aw, fudge, I have to study?” I mean, how bad does it have to be that I actually look forward to something really mundane like going to the post office to mail a letter just because it wasn’t studying. Then I get sad thinking about all the repercussions and consequences of what would happen if I failed this bar exam. I mean, the sacrifices my family has made, the faith people have in me, my own self-esteem… I can’t fail!

I have to be like Yoda on this one. Do or do not. There is no try.

But Yoda never said anything about liking it. And so, bursts forth more tears. I actually have a box of tissues next to me now, in case I ever have another Tuesday breakdown.

Sigh.

I’m definitely not one to just breakdown and cry over work or stress. I’m a workaholic to the very core of that definition. When I was working professionally, if my bosses didn’t tell me to go home, I would have stayed in the office all night.  Most of the time, I didn’t really care that I was still at work. I do like working. It gives me purpose in life.

So…this whole crying over work was really weird for me. I kind of just looked around my big empty apartment and it just made me even more sad. I had an instructor on TV in the living room and I thought how utterly defeating it was that I would have a lecture on just so I can hear someone else talking to me.

Although, I would probably have to warn you that last Tuesday, I went to bed at 2 AM and woke up at 5 AM, drove all the way to the city of Taft in Kern County to take care of my speeding ticket. I had already driven for five hours that day, and was in the last hour of a three hour self-imposed practice exam. I pretty much already had a full eight hours under my belt

Probably not the wisest move on my part.

I was just exhausted and crashing so fast by mid-afternoon so that by the time I realized I didn’t know jack about products liability, I burst into tears.

I looked at the clock. Dear Lord, it was only 2:13 PM. I still had hours of studying ahead of me. And because I had gone to court in the morning, I had to allocate my work-out and dinner time towards that. I didn’t feel like I had a break in sight. I was feeling very sorry for myself at this point.

Pillows Don't Hug Back Either

So then, I hugged myself.

At which point, I cried even harder. I just wanted a hug and there was no one around to give me one! WAAAH!!!

I went over to my room, threw myself onto my bed and laid out all my pillows (I have a LOT of pillows…I’m kind of a pillow-whore) around me so I was cocooned in soft warm goodness. I felt better. It made me think of those autistic kids and the hug machines that they had. I think I should perhaps invest in one, at least for the duration of Bar Prep.

I think what scares me the most is that sometimes I need emotional support (I mean, who doesn’t?) when I feel like…well, when I feel like Tuesdays. I don’t mean I want to be coddled or be told things I already know. I don’t want blind faith in my ability to pass this exam, and I don’t want to hear how you understand that it’s horrible. Because really, I think it’s horrible for different people in different ways.  What I do need is a hug. I miss big bear hugs that just make you feel safe and sheltered from the big bad world out there. And I need laughter. Lots and lots of laughter.

If you know me at all, you know that I believe laughing is the best thing on earth. I will always gravitate towards the people who make me laugh (and who will laugh at my extremely lame jokes in return).

However, with Bar Prep, all of my best friends are kind of gone. We are all locked away in our individual ivory towers of solitude and studyhood. It’s almost impossible to find a moment of impromptu laughter. I miss that so bad.

So you know what I did? I got out of my cocoon of pillow hugs, grabbed my laptop, stuck my tongue out at my products liability essay, and went online.

Then I watched Modern Family.

If there was one tv show that could genuinely make me laugh out loud, it’s Modern Family. I mean, not to be disloyal to Big Bang Theory or anything (because Sheldon, I do love you), but ABC actually posts full episodes of MF, while CBS doesn’t post any full episodes of BBT (but the short clips still have me in stitches!)  But, I seriously suggest you check Modern Family out. It’s such a good stress reliever. After a half-hour of laughing, you really feel like you can conquer the world.  After that fix, I got back on to work.

Life was well. Sort of. I mean, I still had to study.

And um… on a final note:

Pretty Please?

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Memorial Day weekend is supposed to be about fun, surf, barbecues, friends, frisbees, and visiting loved ones who have fallen in the wars. Not for me this year.

On Saturday, I studied.

On Sunday, I studied.

The highlight of both days? Watching Harry Potter reruns on ABC Family. I won’t deny it, I’m a huge fan even though I never got past the halfway point of the 5th book. I started law school, okay. You can’t blame me for never having finished it.

Anyway, on Monday…well, I took that day for myself. So really, I had a Memorial Day. But I did good with it.

As usual, I woke up between 7:30 and 8. I don’t usually need an alarm clock because I’m one of those weird people who just wake up. My eyes open and I can’t go back to sleep. I laid in bed and contemplated what to do with my morning of nothing. I flipped through the channels on tv, but there was nothing on. A quick check of the weather told me that it was going to be fairly warm, so I decided to tan. Hey, it’s summer. Even though it’s Bar Prep summer, it’s still summer.

I put on a bikini, grimaced at the weight I still need to lose, mentally checked myself to eat healthier and check the gym schedule, then headed down to the pool with my handy blackberry, notepad, and a couple of torts flashcards. I guess I can’t ever really fully justify a full day off. Type A personality really does get in the way sometimes.

Our pool isn’t amazing. I live in an older building in dtLA and we really only get a few hours of sunshine over the pool area because when you’re surrounded by high-rises, the only time sun really hits you is when it’s directly overhead.

I picked a spot, laid my yellow McCormick Barstow, LLP beach towel (courtesy of the white water rafting expedition with @Sigh last summer–what a difference a year makes!), popped in my headphones and listened to music from my blackberry.

It’s hot.

Needless to say, I spent about a half hour face-up and another half hour on my stomach, at which point I memorized a few elements for some quasi-intentional torts. It was so hot I actually took a dip in the pool to cool down. I did a couple of laps. I always lament that I never really took proper swimming classes. I don’t even know how to do that little dive-flip underwater. I always have to stop and turn around. Yeah, lame. I’ll figure it out one day, I swear (–> ooh! One more thing to add to my life list!).

After the brief swim, I went back to my apartment and got ready to go to Disneyland with Mushy!

Lah You

I don’t really know why I like Disneyland so much. It’s really tiring and standing in line isn’t the most scintillating thing to do in the world, but there’s just something about it. Maybe it’s because I’ve totally bought into the “Happiest Place On Earth” trademark. I don’t know. I like how freakin’ nice everyone is. Or maybe it’s the opportunity to be a kid again and be excited for no apparent reason at all.

I used to be this wide-eyed, everything-is-so-new-and-fascinating kind of person. But then I dated someone who wasn’t all too supportive of that and just made me feel gauche and lame for never having tried or done a lot of the things he had. Now, I’m very cautious about what I put my heart into and what I want to show excitement over. Disneyland just kind of makes it okay for me to skip around, eat churros, and race children half my age to get to the front of the line (shhh!).

And I’m always excited to see Tigger.

Hugging Tigger (Disney 10.2008)

Mushy and I hit Disneyland at around 3:30pm. We both have annual passes, so it’s not really a big deal that we arrive late. We have been utterly spoiled by this season pass and the iPhone app that allows you to check the wait times at all the rides. We’ve got going on rides down to a science.

In fact, we were so impressive we hit SIX rides in four hours. That’s amazing in Disneyland time, considering how some people wait almost an hour for just one ride. Our standby favorites are Space Mountain and Grizzly River Run. We also got on Mulholland Madness because Mush hadn’t been on it before, and Soarin’ Over California (because I haven’t seen it before). We went on Indiana Jones and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.

She still won’t try Splash Mountain, and it’s gonna take a lot of prodding or guilt-trips to get me back on that. Hey, it doesn’t have seatbelts!

We tried to end the night with some Daikokuya Ramen (the BEST Ramen in LA). But to no surprise, even at 9pm, the wait was over 2 hours long. We were already starving, so we headed down the street and got our fix at…another restaurant whose name I can no longer recall. That’s how disappointed I was not to get into Daikokuya.

And that, folks, was how I spent my Memorial Day.

Space Mountain

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