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Posts Tagged ‘nBF’

I loved him. He needed time to think and that was ok- he was worth waiting for… and waiting for… and waiting for. Finally I realized I had waited away my life for an answer he had already given me: Had he loved me back, I would not have had to wait.

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Trouble is…

If I’m not doing it, how can I expect you to do the same?

I could hope.

But then again, you could be hoping and I’m here knowing that it’s in vain.

I could be a fool.

But I don’t think I’m strong enough to be foolish.

I smell trouble. Worse, it’s a double standard on my part.

Evirrrr.

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Do you have some kind of emo(tional) ESP or something? Every time that I’m starting to move on you somehow pop back into my life making me stumble on my way. Just when I was starting to feel the tingles and the butterflies again. Just when I’m starting to feel like those text messages I get are welcome and wanted (instead of annoying and time-consuming), you send your own text that sends me on a loop.

I don’t want a loop.

I want to move forward.

What’s going on here? How do you always know?

Last time, I was starting over with someone else, thinking that I could really like this guy, that in the time we’re spending with each other, I could really fall for him. And then you come and bum rush that progress. It took me a couple months of soul-searching to finally reach this phase again.

At the very heels of me actually telling one of my good friends that I’m really excited about someone new…that I actually really like this guy…you come around. And it feels like someone just pulled the rug straight from under me.

Sigh.

What am I supposed to do?

I wish I had emo ESP.

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When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible.
-Jonathan Safran Foer

I wonder if there really are people out there that come into your life and throw everything into complete disarray…and yet you accept the disarray because, well…because it made sense.  Maybe part of it is because you allowed everything to happen the way it did. You turned a blind eye, told yourself you’d deal with the consequences later on, or worse–you believed that it was okay that things were bad because it was just how they were. It was the only way to make that person a possibility in your life.

How does someone like that make sense?

Maybe if only to show us that it doesn’t.

A person’s life can’t all be made up of good things. It’s part of the theory of relativity. Each person is tested by their own fire. Each person has their own demons. Each one has that one person that only exists to remind them of how things can be so good…and how things can be so bad. Each one has their polarizing person. Or two. Or three. Who knows? Maybe as many as it takes to learn your lesson.

Maybe it stays painful for as long as it takes to learn what’s good for you.

You’ll keep seeing this person, keep feeling this person because…well, it just makes sense and still does.

I don’t get it, and I can’t possibly explain how I feel. Except that…the quote above reminded me of you. And maybe who you’re supposed to be in my life.

It makes sense, doesn’t it?

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There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else; they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

— Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself To Live

The score as it is now is pretty even. Some days, I feel like he still wins and that I’ll always compare everyone with him. But most days, I figure I’m happy. I have amazing friends, I find a reason to laugh and something to love every day.

And I’m convinced that someone someday will sweep me off my feet that I won’t even know what hit me. I won’t even have the moment to compare. I can only fall, fall, fall in love.

It’s not happened yet. So for now, I’ll concede that we’re even.

But be warned: I’m in this life to win.

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Tonight, I cried for you when I thought I was done.

I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the title of the movie, “Down with Love” being on tv. I just felt like, YEAH, DOWN WITH LOVE! And I felt all that bitterness welling in me, followed by a wave of overwhelming sadness that just crashed into me. Suddenly, I collapsed onto the bed and cried. I cried for all the loneliness, the hopelessness, and brokenness I have been feeling for so long. I cried for all the times that I’ve tried so hard to get over this. And finally, I cried because I know…I still do.

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Riding on the Subway with my cousin from the Village to Queens takes about 40 minutes. It gave me a decent amount of time to catch up with her. One of the things that naturally came up was why things didn’t work out with nBF.

Our conversation could be summed up pretty fairly:

“When you sigh in relief when he does something that hints that he loves you isn’t a good thing. It means that at all other times, you just didn’t feel loved.”

And really, that was what it felt like the last couple of months of our relationship. And it was what finally broke me: that sigh of relief.

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Soul Hurt

“When I say I love you, it’s not because I want your or I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity, exactly what you are.  Thank you for everything that you have taught me and been to me. You truly are an exceptional being.”

“I feel like our love for one another runs deep and will always be there and we will be able to find our way home.”

I don’t know what to believe in. I don’t know how to feel. Sometimes I know deep down to my very bones that I am at peace with everything. And other times, it still hurts all the way to my soul.

In the simple words of Neil Gaiman, “I hate love.”

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