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Posts Tagged ‘rant’

Protected: The Luxury of Patience

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Yesterday, I finally updated my iPad to the iOS4.2 version. It seemed like it would be cooler. Among the more relevant (to me) changes offered are: (as advertised on the Apple website):

Game Center: Be more social with your gaming. Find friends or use auto-match to play multiplayer games against new opponents. Track achievements and compare high scores.5

iTunes TV show rentals: Rent TV shows commercial free in HD for just 99¢ an episode and start watching them in minutes.

Even better Mail: See messages from all your accounts in a unified inbox, organize messages by threads, and open attachments in third-party apps.

Notes with fonts: Customize your notes using different fonts — Marker Felt, Helvetica, and Chalkboard.


Keyboard and dictionary enhancements: iOS 4.2 includes support for over 50 languages and dialects, with more than 30 new international keyboards and dictionaries for iPad.

Plus, they added a multi-tasking feature, the ability to wirelessly print (if I had such a printer) and the even cooler ability to stream digital media from my iPad to an Apple TV (if I had such a TV). I mean, overall, it seems cool.

Off I went to bed, excited to explore all the newbies on my iPad. I click on the upper right hand corner button to lock my screen so I can keep everything on Portrait even while lying in bed. Funny…but it kept showing me the Mute icon instead. I click on it again…and it brings the sound back.

I literally flipped my damned iPad around and around searching for any other kind of button that would somehow lock my screen.

No success.

Really? Who ever thought that having a mute button (as well as a volume button you only have to press a few times to get to mute) was way more important than keeping what I’m reading/watching/playing still in case I actually lean over too much in one direction???

Stupid update.

And on another note, the battery life is half what it used to be. I still haven’t figured out why yet. I’m assuming it’s because of the “multi-tasking” capabilities. Although, I don’t know what my iPad is multitasking when all I’m doing is reading my Bar outlines on iBook…

All I want to know now is how to “downgrade” back to the previous version. This new one and I are not getting along.

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I feel like the last couple of months my life has been on pause. I haven’t made any significant decisions, made any real plans, or made any real steps forward that I can really substantiate. This whole studying for the bar thing…I can’t wait for it to be over so I can start living again.

I can’t wait to invest my time and effort into something other than studying. I’m so over it.

But at the same time, I’m so NOT over it, because part of me wishes I just had a little bit more time to get more rules down. But like I’ve said before, time is an equalizer. Everybody gets the same amount; what we do with it is up to us.

But I think I feel this antsy because I know I’m leaving. Just a little over a week after taking the bar, I’ll be out of the LALA Land and back in the Yay. I don’t know if I’m ready. I feel like I should have invested more time in the people and the relationships I have here. I should have developed some a little bit more instead of pushing it back “till after the bar.” I feel like I should have shown my appreciation of others more instead of setting them aside “till after the bar.”  It’s paralyzing.

I want to be able to tell everyone that has meant so much to me here that I do care. Instead, I find myself skipping out on lunches and dinners, drinks and movies. Saying “next time” or “not now” or “please, just understand.”

I wish I had the power to do things differently. I really do.

But for now, I’m on Pause.

I can’t wait to Press Play.

…and by Play, I mean I’m busting out of the City of Angels and diving straight into Sin City!!!

HELL YEAH!!!

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Last Tuesday, I had my first-honest-to-goodness Bar-prep breakdown.

I was working on three essays, working on keeping everything under three hours. On the third hour, I realized the essay was on Torts. I had worked on Torts in the first week of bar prep. I was able to spot all the issues, but for the life of me, I just couldn’t get anything coherent onto paper.

I burst into tears.

Yeeeeaahhh.

I thought about how I could have possibly spent so much time on torts and not have remembered anything. I was probably being melodramatic at one point and going, “Why, God, whyyyy???” Then I wallowed in the piteous thought of how I would wake up everyday only to start the day over. My eyes would open and I’d think, “Aw, fudge, I have to study?” I mean, how bad does it have to be that I actually look forward to something really mundane like going to the post office to mail a letter just because it wasn’t studying. Then I get sad thinking about all the repercussions and consequences of what would happen if I failed this bar exam. I mean, the sacrifices my family has made, the faith people have in me, my own self-esteem… I can’t fail!

I have to be like Yoda on this one. Do or do not. There is no try.

But Yoda never said anything about liking it. And so, bursts forth more tears. I actually have a box of tissues next to me now, in case I ever have another Tuesday breakdown.

Sigh.

I’m definitely not one to just breakdown and cry over work or stress. I’m a workaholic to the very core of that definition. When I was working professionally, if my bosses didn’t tell me to go home, I would have stayed in the office all night.  Most of the time, I didn’t really care that I was still at work. I do like working. It gives me purpose in life.

So…this whole crying over work was really weird for me. I kind of just looked around my big empty apartment and it just made me even more sad. I had an instructor on TV in the living room and I thought how utterly defeating it was that I would have a lecture on just so I can hear someone else talking to me.

Although, I would probably have to warn you that last Tuesday, I went to bed at 2 AM and woke up at 5 AM, drove all the way to the city of Taft in Kern County to take care of my speeding ticket. I had already driven for five hours that day, and was in the last hour of a three hour self-imposed practice exam. I pretty much already had a full eight hours under my belt

Probably not the wisest move on my part.

I was just exhausted and crashing so fast by mid-afternoon so that by the time I realized I didn’t know jack about products liability, I burst into tears.

I looked at the clock. Dear Lord, it was only 2:13 PM. I still had hours of studying ahead of me. And because I had gone to court in the morning, I had to allocate my work-out and dinner time towards that. I didn’t feel like I had a break in sight. I was feeling very sorry for myself at this point.

Pillows Don't Hug Back Either

So then, I hugged myself.

At which point, I cried even harder. I just wanted a hug and there was no one around to give me one! WAAAH!!!

I went over to my room, threw myself onto my bed and laid out all my pillows (I have a LOT of pillows…I’m kind of a pillow-whore) around me so I was cocooned in soft warm goodness. I felt better. It made me think of those autistic kids and the hug machines that they had. I think I should perhaps invest in one, at least for the duration of Bar Prep.

I think what scares me the most is that sometimes I need emotional support (I mean, who doesn’t?) when I feel like…well, when I feel like Tuesdays. I don’t mean I want to be coddled or be told things I already know. I don’t want blind faith in my ability to pass this exam, and I don’t want to hear how you understand that it’s horrible. Because really, I think it’s horrible for different people in different ways.  What I do need is a hug. I miss big bear hugs that just make you feel safe and sheltered from the big bad world out there. And I need laughter. Lots and lots of laughter.

If you know me at all, you know that I believe laughing is the best thing on earth. I will always gravitate towards the people who make me laugh (and who will laugh at my extremely lame jokes in return).

However, with Bar Prep, all of my best friends are kind of gone. We are all locked away in our individual ivory towers of solitude and studyhood. It’s almost impossible to find a moment of impromptu laughter. I miss that so bad.

So you know what I did? I got out of my cocoon of pillow hugs, grabbed my laptop, stuck my tongue out at my products liability essay, and went online.

Then I watched Modern Family.

If there was one tv show that could genuinely make me laugh out loud, it’s Modern Family. I mean, not to be disloyal to Big Bang Theory or anything (because Sheldon, I do love you), but ABC actually posts full episodes of MF, while CBS doesn’t post any full episodes of BBT (but the short clips still have me in stitches!)  But, I seriously suggest you check Modern Family out. It’s such a good stress reliever. After a half-hour of laughing, you really feel like you can conquer the world.  After that fix, I got back on to work.

Life was well. Sort of. I mean, I still had to study.

And um… on a final note:

Pretty Please?

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Do you have some kind of emo(tional) ESP or something? Every time that I’m starting to move on you somehow pop back into my life making me stumble on my way. Just when I was starting to feel the tingles and the butterflies again. Just when I’m starting to feel like those text messages I get are welcome and wanted (instead of annoying and time-consuming), you send your own text that sends me on a loop.

I don’t want a loop.

I want to move forward.

What’s going on here? How do you always know?

Last time, I was starting over with someone else, thinking that I could really like this guy, that in the time we’re spending with each other, I could really fall for him. And then you come and bum rush that progress. It took me a couple months of soul-searching to finally reach this phase again.

At the very heels of me actually telling one of my good friends that I’m really excited about someone new…that I actually really like this guy…you come around. And it feels like someone just pulled the rug straight from under me.

Sigh.

What am I supposed to do?

I wish I had emo ESP.

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Today, I was sitting in a restaurant, laughing and talking…

…and for the first time in a really long time, I thought about how bad the timing was.

I don’t need a reason to stay. I don’t want a reason to want. I just want to be.

But of course, life would just have to be inconvenient. So of course, nothing’s going to happen.

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